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Monique Minahan

this is not a dress rehearsal

My Books

The Unedited Heart: Letters on Loss

The Grief Practice: Stories of Surviving Loss & Practices for Supporting Loss

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#WriterMo

I need the happy endings the hallelujahs and the hell-yeahs to counter the cruel world we live in that lifts us up and slams us down I have never lied about that I have just held up my middle finger to love-and-light that runs at the first sign of darkness . when he asks me if his grandpa will be alive when he’s grown up I hesitate because I know he won’t and it’s me who is uncomfortable with that truth not him but I won’t be caught preaching about those hard conversations that set us free and running from them in private . I keep searching for the hallelujahs so I can sing my own kinda gospel to my own kinda god in the church of the open sky where everything is sacred and nothing is sacred and fear and love kneel down side by side and pray for peace . then get up off their knees and into the trenches because on the ground is where life and death happens and where human kindness does more than any prayer. _________________ #thisisnotadressrehearsal #loveandlight
The Nos are coming easily this week. The I-changed-my-minds, No-thank-yous and No-I-can’ts (without the I’m-sorry.) . These are the times I know my practices are working. When I can stand up in anger and hold it while trembling or sit down in exhaustion and allow for the time it takes to decompress and the courage it takes to ask for help. When the transitions between laughter and tears or anger and joy are a little less clunky and when I don’t have to tune out because the good or the bad is all too much to feel. . It’s less practice-and-all-is-coming and more practice-because-all-is-coming. All the successes and failures and loves and losses and laughter and tears and hellos and goodbyes. And I want to be able to hold them all, face them all, integrate them all into this human heart of mine.
I’m doing my best to bear up and lift up under life, what weighs, loves and lives in my heart, the complexity of relationship and that delicate balance of who I want to be and who I often am. . You too? . We yoga today, 5pm @gatherencinitas . 📸@staceywinters
“That’s not important,” he told me this morning when I explained all the reasons I couldn’t stop to color with him. . “You’re right,” I acknowledged as I took a big fat red crayon in my hand, pressed pause on my mind and play on my heart. . On the other side of this moment he’s a teenager. A father or a grandfather or a dying old man making his bed or lying in it. . On the other side of Now is not something I’m willing to bet on. . I will regret many things at the end of my time here. . Spending time with him will not be one of them.
“When you left your religion did you lose your family?” she asks me. . “I didn’t lose them, but I don’t think I ever had them.” _______________ #therapy #thegreatwallofgod #finallyfoundmyLeo #thisisnotadressrehearsal
if only three bags of avocados in the drawer meant hunger doesn’t live here waking up to doggy licks and little boy I-love-yous meant loneliness doesn’t live here yoga every goddamn day meant dis-ease doesn’t live here books on privilege and trauma meant prejudice doesn’t live here a daddy that puts the monsters in the mailbox every night meant fear doesn’t live here belly laughs and laugh-crys meant sadness doesn’t live here . my contradictions are fertile ground for exploration and so I dig like I’ve never dug in this heart before looking for gold . #humaniswhatweare #thisisnotadressrehearsal #icallitpoetry
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